Procrastination and the fear of grad school
This year I completed all of the credits required for my bachelor's degree except for one single class. The class in question began on the very day my mother died this year. As a result I missed most of the class because I was overcome with grief and anxiety. After that it was impossible to catch up and the result was the only class I ever failed in my entire college career. I have to make up those three elective credits before I can obtain my diploma. I have been using the website StraighterLine.com to take the class. I have presently completed everything in the class except for the final exam. My current grade is 91%, but I have been putting off the final exam for over two months. Why is that? Well, I will tell you.
I have opened up the computer multiple times over the past several weeks with the intention of taking the stupid final exam and then getting my credits and moving on with my life by obtaining my bachelor's degree and likely moving forward to grad school. When I open the lap top and try to settle myself in to focus on the test, I start to panic because if I fail again, I have to go through the pain of that failure. If I succeed and pass the class, the pressure is now on to decide my next move, which is scariest of all. Do I go to grad school? If so, what do I go to grad school for? What the hell is it that I even want to do? I just completed a degree in business and marketing, but I know I don't actually want to do that with my life. Marketing is interesting, I truly love the field, but the business world is awful and filled with terribly unhappy people. I don;t want to be one of those people. For over a year now, I have been working in fields related to special education and for a while there I was thinking it would be great to go back to school for special education. But now, after all this time, I find that I love working with the kids, but working with their parents is misery. Parents mean well, but often they are judgmental, they don't understand basic principles of behavioral science and so they sabotage themselves every day as soon as they take their kids home and then they complain to us when their child misbehaves saying our methods are ineffective. It is an endless frustration and at times, it can make a wonderful job completely miserable. when I think about dealing with the parents of special needs children for the next 20 years of so, the thought makes my stomach turn. But I do love teaching and I do love behavioral therapy, so what then?
My husband suggested that I consider teaching adults at the college level. I really like the idea of that and these days there are so many online colleges that there is a real demand for online professors to teach college classes. Teaching online would mean that I get tot stay home most of the time and I don't have to deal with crowds of people. But it does mean that I absolutely need a graduate degree at the very least. So what now? Where do I go now? How do I move forward?
First things first. It is time to take that damned final exam.
I have opened up the computer multiple times over the past several weeks with the intention of taking the stupid final exam and then getting my credits and moving on with my life by obtaining my bachelor's degree and likely moving forward to grad school. When I open the lap top and try to settle myself in to focus on the test, I start to panic because if I fail again, I have to go through the pain of that failure. If I succeed and pass the class, the pressure is now on to decide my next move, which is scariest of all. Do I go to grad school? If so, what do I go to grad school for? What the hell is it that I even want to do? I just completed a degree in business and marketing, but I know I don't actually want to do that with my life. Marketing is interesting, I truly love the field, but the business world is awful and filled with terribly unhappy people. I don;t want to be one of those people. For over a year now, I have been working in fields related to special education and for a while there I was thinking it would be great to go back to school for special education. But now, after all this time, I find that I love working with the kids, but working with their parents is misery. Parents mean well, but often they are judgmental, they don't understand basic principles of behavioral science and so they sabotage themselves every day as soon as they take their kids home and then they complain to us when their child misbehaves saying our methods are ineffective. It is an endless frustration and at times, it can make a wonderful job completely miserable. when I think about dealing with the parents of special needs children for the next 20 years of so, the thought makes my stomach turn. But I do love teaching and I do love behavioral therapy, so what then?
My husband suggested that I consider teaching adults at the college level. I really like the idea of that and these days there are so many online colleges that there is a real demand for online professors to teach college classes. Teaching online would mean that I get tot stay home most of the time and I don't have to deal with crowds of people. But it does mean that I absolutely need a graduate degree at the very least. So what now? Where do I go now? How do I move forward?
First things first. It is time to take that damned final exam.
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