Back at rock bottom again

Managing my emotions is a thing I have always struggled with. I cannot remember a time when I didn't feel entirely ruled by the chemical and electrical goings on in my brain that are entirely outside of my control. It feels like there is a creature inside of me that consumes my experiences and expels reactions to those experiences that don't align with reality at all. Intellectually I know it is happening, I know that my instinctive responses to things are out of line with what has really taken place, but knowing it intellectually and being able to stop it or control it aren't the same thing.

Today I am feeling so anxious and defeated that it is making me physically ill. I have been battling literal nausea for most of the day, twice dry heaving at work. My heart has been racing and I feel like I am in a state of "fight or flight", which you can't actually maintain for more than a few minutes, but I have been like this all day. I feel caught in a loop of panic, all in response to some totally normal, easy to manage and fix relationship hiccups, all of which I am positive are my own fault. Knowing in my head that nothing is actually seriously broken and that things can be easily repaired isn't enough though. The little emotional creature overreacts and I can feel it flooding my brain in fear and panic hormones. I can physically feel the chemical reaction taking place it is so sickening.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to always feel like this anytime literally anything at all happens. But I don't know how to fix it. This stupid broken mechanism is getting in the way of me living my life. It paralyzes me with fear all the time, sometimes for days at a time. I can't do anything for fear of making things worse. I have this fear that this will escalate given enough time. that eventually I will be so anxious, so filled with self-doubt and fear that I won't be any good to anyone and that eventually everyone I love will abandon me because of it. It is a horrible way to live and I don;t want to do it anymore. I need to find a way to defeat the stupid creature. I need to find away to crawl out from under the fear and gloom of every experience that I have. I need to find a way to deal with my pain and grief in smaller pieces so that I can actually live my life. I have so many good people around me who want to see me do well, but this problem of mine is creating an ever increasing distance between me and them, even my husband, whom I love more than anything in the entire world. But I'm on my own here. What I really want is a professional. What I think I need is actual counseling, but I don;t have insurance, I just can't afford it, and without insurance, professional help is just not possible. This blog is the closest thing I have to therapy, so I guess I will do my best to keep it up.