Why cremation is patriotic
With all the buzz and fuss about zombies and the apocalypse, I have one very serious question: why in the fuck is anyone still doing burials?!
The zombie apocalypse is coming, I think we all see the signs. Cartoonishly evil overlords have overthrown and replaced all major government offices, extreme weather events continue to crop up and plague all areas of the world due to man made climate change, Prince is dead and Nickleback is still together. Sooner or later the dead will begin to rise from their graves and eat those of us that remain. Why else would there be so many tricked-out Jeep Wranglers with "Zombie Response Team" stickers on them, cruising down the road, roof mounted machine guns locked and loaded, ready to take on the undead hordes? And yet, there are still some selfish motherfuckers out there who are having themselves and their loved ones buried instead of cremated. Disgusting.
My fellow Americans, it is time to face the truth. We are not all going to make it through the inevitable collapse of society, which will undoubtedly precede the legions of our lifeless former family, neighbors and community members rising from their not-so-eternal-slumber to consumer the flesh of the living and walk the earth for all time. In light of this fact, I am making a plea to all, please have your final arrangements amended to include that you wish to be cremated rather than buried. You can't reanimate ashes, after all! This is the sensible and responsible thing to do. By continuing to bury our dead instead of incinerating them, we are essentially recruiting for the enemy! We, as Americans, have a resilient spirit, and we always come together in times of war. We pitch in by purchasing war bonds to fund the efforts of freedom. We ration. We plant victory gardens. We can do this too!
"Incinerate! Don't Facilitate!" Is our battle cry! I am presently in the process of having public awareness materials made such as bumper stickers and t-shirts. I will also be petitioning the government to build corpse incinerators in every major metropolitan area where tax paying citizens can dispose of their loved ones and pets (yes! pets can become zombies too! Make sure to burn Fluffy to ashes before she rises from the dead and bites your baby!) at no charge.
If you have any ideas to help support the effort in this, the war of mankind, please do share them in the comments!
The zombie apocalypse is coming, I think we all see the signs. Cartoonishly evil overlords have overthrown and replaced all major government offices, extreme weather events continue to crop up and plague all areas of the world due to man made climate change, Prince is dead and Nickleback is still together. Sooner or later the dead will begin to rise from their graves and eat those of us that remain. Why else would there be so many tricked-out Jeep Wranglers with "Zombie Response Team" stickers on them, cruising down the road, roof mounted machine guns locked and loaded, ready to take on the undead hordes? And yet, there are still some selfish motherfuckers out there who are having themselves and their loved ones buried instead of cremated. Disgusting.
My fellow Americans, it is time to face the truth. We are not all going to make it through the inevitable collapse of society, which will undoubtedly precede the legions of our lifeless former family, neighbors and community members rising from their not-so-eternal-slumber to consumer the flesh of the living and walk the earth for all time. In light of this fact, I am making a plea to all, please have your final arrangements amended to include that you wish to be cremated rather than buried. You can't reanimate ashes, after all! This is the sensible and responsible thing to do. By continuing to bury our dead instead of incinerating them, we are essentially recruiting for the enemy! We, as Americans, have a resilient spirit, and we always come together in times of war. We pitch in by purchasing war bonds to fund the efforts of freedom. We ration. We plant victory gardens. We can do this too!
"Incinerate! Don't Facilitate!" Is our battle cry! I am presently in the process of having public awareness materials made such as bumper stickers and t-shirts. I will also be petitioning the government to build corpse incinerators in every major metropolitan area where tax paying citizens can dispose of their loved ones and pets (yes! pets can become zombies too! Make sure to burn Fluffy to ashes before she rises from the dead and bites your baby!) at no charge.
If you have any ideas to help support the effort in this, the war of mankind, please do share them in the comments!
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