Adventures, Misadventures , Reflections and Profanity

Life has somehow managed to get even more chaotic than ever. Just to make ends meet I have had to take on more than one other job. My days now begin at 4am and they end at irregular times each day. In addition to the extra stress it is now the holiday season and I hate the holidays. Over the weekend my husband and I went back to my home to visit my family. This is our first Thanksgiving since my mother died and so we wanted to be together. It was stressful to get the funds together to pay for the trip and the trip itself was incredibly sad and disappointing.  My family is an absolute mess and they always have been, but after the antics of this weekend, I am almost certain that my husband now wants nothing at all to do with his in-laws every again, and I frankly don't blame him. And now, as the first of yet another new month approaches, I am scrambling to get the money together for rent and bills. There just aren't enough hours in the day for me to make the money I need to k...

I went camping a few days ago. I was in a blissful woodland wonderland, enjoying the sound of a perfect babbling creek, tending a little fire, sipping tea and coffee and watching the clouds and birds. It was serene and wonderful and perfect, and best of all, there was no WiFi and there was no cell signal. No phone calls, no notifications, no internet. Just me, my husband, and the glory of nature. It was perfect. When it was time to pack up and go home, I knew there would be some news to catch up on, but I didn't realize that I was going to come home to find that we are apparently having to deal with freaking Nazis. The events that took place in Charlottesville, VA while I was away flooded my news feed and I struggled to get caught up. If you're out of the loop, here's what happened: On Friday, August 11th, 2017, members of tow major white supremacy organizations gathered together in Charlottesville, VA in what they called a "Unite The Right" rally, meant to en...

Managing my emotions is a thing I have always struggled with. I cannot remember a time when I didn't feel entirely ruled by the chemical and electrical goings on in my brain that are entirely outside of my control. It feels like there is a creature inside of me that consumes my experiences and expels reactions to those experiences that don't align with reality at all. Intellectually I know it is happening, I know that my instinctive responses to things are out of line with what has really taken place, but knowing it intellectually and being able to stop it or control it aren't the same thing. Today I am feeling so anxious and defeated that it is making me physically ill. I have been battling literal nausea for most of the day, twice dry heaving at work. My heart has been racing and I feel like I am in a state of "fight or flight", which you can't actually maintain for more than a few minutes, but I have been like this all day. I feel caught in a loop of pani...