Adventures, Misadventures , Reflections and Profanity

I have come to learn that this thing we call grief is really just love. It is love for the person we have lost, but we can no longer give to that person because they are no longer with us. All of the unspent love gathers in our eyes and pours forth as tears. It collects in our chest to form that hard, painful lump that makes it hard to breathe. It gathers in our throats and makes our voice catch all hard and sharp when we speak about them. We don't stop loving someone when they die. If we did, there would be no such thing as grief. That love turns to longing and that longing turns to pain when it cannot be satisfied because the thing we are longing for is the return of the person whom we miss so terribly. Some days I am OK. I can go one entire day now without crying, without feeling sorry for myself, without experiencing that crushing feeling of despair, and that is progress. But then there are so many more days that are like today. The grief is too much and it rises in my ches...

Well, I made it back from our trip across Nevada and back again. It was a journey, that much is true. It started with a drive from Las Vegas to Reno early last Friday morning. the nearly 500 miles long road trip takes about 8 hours to complete and by mid-afternoon, we were sitting in my sister's living room in down town Reno, unloading our things from the car and getting ready to head over to Sparks to take in the sights of their Friday night Hot August Nights celebration. If you don't know what Hot August Nights is, check it out here: https://hotaugustnights.net/ It is the largest gathering of classic cars in the world and it takes place each year in the month of August in the Reno/Sparks area. If you're into American muscle, this is definitely your scene. Our plan was to see the parade in Sparks on Friday night, then check out the happenings in Reno on Saturday night. We did manage to accomplish both of these goals quite handily and I was thrilled to see so many wond...

This year I completed all of the credits required for my bachelor's degree except for one single class. The class in question began on the very day my mother died this year. As a result I missed most of the class because I was overcome with grief and anxiety. After that it was impossible to catch up and the result was the only class I ever failed in my entire college career. I have to make up those three elective credits before I can obtain my diploma. I have been using the website StraighterLine.com to take the class. I have presently completed everything in the class except for the final exam. My current grade is 91%, but I have been putting off the final exam for over two months. Why is that? Well, I will tell you. I have opened up the computer multiple times over the past several weeks with the intention of taking the stupid final exam and then getting my credits and moving on with my life by obtaining my bachelor's degree and likely moving forward to grad school. When I ...

Warning! This post contains graphic descriptions of menstrual distress and the discussion of drugs which are now legal to consume n the state of Nevada. Yesterday I had a surprise day off from work in the middle of the week. My homeschooling student wasn't feeling well and so his parents cancelled school. This doesn't happen often, but when it does I like to make the most out of the day and try to be as productive as possible. I have been intending to use some old rope I had laying around to make my first attempt at a rope rug for my shop and so at 7:30am, I busted out the rope, my hot glue gun, and the Netflix and got to some early morning crafting. It was really wonderful to sit, enjoy my iced coffee that I would usually be trying to drink as fast as possible on the freeway on my way to work and to just do some mindless craft work. That kind of crafting is on the short list of things that actually relax me (sex, laughing, crafting, eating is pretty much the whole list). So ...

Managing my emotions is a thing I have always struggled with. I cannot remember a time when I didn't feel entirely ruled by the chemical and electrical goings on in my brain that are entirely outside of my control. It feels like there is a creature inside of me that consumes my experiences and expels reactions to those experiences that don't align with reality at all. Intellectually I know it is happening, I know that my instinctive responses to things are out of line with what has really taken place, but knowing it intellectually and being able to stop it or control it aren't the same thing. Today I am feeling so anxious and defeated that it is making me physically ill. I have been battling literal nausea for most of the day, twice dry heaving at work. My heart has been racing and I feel like I am in a state of "fight or flight", which you can't actually maintain for more than a few minutes, but I have been like this all day. I feel caught in a loop of pani...