Mixed feelings and mixed results

Well, the change in weather has remained over night and I haven't been let down by the wave of energy yet. I still have this feeling of positivity that I am doing my best to maintain. I feel good about doing things I love doing, which is really nice because in times when I am feeling low, the things I usually enjoy very much bring me no joy at all. I was able to finish a shawl I had been working on for close to two weeks. Being able to finish something, especially a crochet project seems like it is simple and almost inconsequential, but the completion of a craft project makes me feel good down to my soul. I guess that might sound silly to someone who doesn't craft and isn't some kind of weird basket case like me, but being able to finish something that I made myself by hand from start to finish is one of my very favorite parts of life. The shawl itself is nothing really special, it is a basic triangle pattern designed to be draped over your shoulders. I have made this same kind of shawl maybe 10 times by now. It is simple, nothing fancy about it, no open work or lacing involved. The pattern is so simple in fact, that the finished product doesn't even need to be blocked or formed at all, just tie off and done. In the world of crocheters (from here on referred lovingly to as "hookers"), this pattern that I love so dearly is pretty much child's play. There is just something about it though, something about working through the simplicity of the thing that I find soothing. I know other hookers who would be bored to tears with such a simple pattern, but for me it is like the blues. The very narrow format, the super simple formula challenges me to be creative and to make something unique within its bounds and there is something about it that I just love. I am pretty happy with the way the shawl came out, although all of my color changes happened to fall on one side of it, making it look distinctly imperfect, but i did use a high quality fiber for the project, a chenille blend called Homespun by the brad Red Heart Yarn, and the finished product is very soft and colorful, so I am pleased with it all the same. I think asking around $60 for it in my shop will be a fair price.

Yesterday I started a new one, this one in a much lower quality fiber, but the end result should be outrageous and colorful and loud since I am blending variegated yarns all in the same project, so I am excited about the outcome. More than anything though, I have just been enjoying staying home with my husband and watching TV and crocheting. I guess this sounds dreadfully boring, but it truly is my happy place.

 And this is where the mixed feelings come in. It is my best friend's birthday today and he is having a series of events to celebrate. First to a restaurant, then to a bar, then to a nightclub ad has invited everyone he knows. Now, I can't go because I am still dealing with torticollis, the pain is still barely manageable so a night out on the town is pretty much a terrible idea, but even if I wasn't physically unable to go out, the mere invite would be causing me anxiety and dread. It is a funny thing to feel so relieved that I am too hurt to socialize, but that is honestly how I fell. It isn't that I don't want to see my friend, because I very badly do! He is genuinely one of my very favorite people on the planet and I love him dearly. It is the idea of going out in public and being around a large group of highly energetic people that I don't know that gives me THE FEAR. I don;t know exactly when this started, I used to be so social that I would go stir crazy if I had to stay home for more than a day or two without going out and being a social butterfly, but something has happened in the last 6 years and I am completely different than the person I used to be. It is hard to explain because while even thinking about going out and doing things around other people makes me so scared I almost get sick to my stomach, it also makes me feel sad, deeply sad because I do miss being around people. I get invited to things and I rarely ever actually go because I just don't want to be around people. Over time the invites have gotten few and far between because people know that I probably won't come so they just stopped inviting me to things. I am not really sure how to elaborate any further on this. It is this weird part of my life, this social anxiety thing that keeps me from doing things but doesn't keep me from wanting to do things, and I wish It would just resolve itself. I don't know how to just  stop being nervous and start enjoying being out of the house, so right now my plans for the weekend are to stay inside with my husband and to crochet my latest triangle shawl and hope no one ends up hating me for it.