Fear and self loathing in Las Vegas

Well, I really done it now. Yesterday I managed to anger everyone around me and embarrass myself (and others) so completely that I'm genuinely concerned that there might be no way back from here. It all started with mimosas. It all ended in tears.

See, my sister is here for a visit. She got into Vegas midmorning. I was going to cook us breakfast, but then my husband had the idea of going to our favourite buffet brunch spot. Going to the buffet means there's no dishes to do, everyone eats what they want, and, of course, bottomless mimosas, of which both my sister and myself had many. When we got home, the party kept on keeping on and there was definitely too many glasses of wine. I can't get into specifics at this point without potentially exposing the private lives of others, but I can say that the evening changed, I experienced some intense fear over what turned out to be really nothing, but that was apparently all I needed to completely nuke the day for everyone. I wish I could say I remembered exactly what I did or said, but I don't. I just remember that suddenly my sister was very upset and it was clearly my fault. There were two other people present, both of whom were more or less sober, and as a result they both ended up babysitting the whole stupid situation that I had created, which they didn't deserve, but I'm am very grateful for their kindness.

That's the short version of the story. Today, I find myself hating me more than usual, and that's saying something. I'm trying to learn something from this experience so it doesn't happen again. The first and most obvious lesson is that I'm done drinking. Like, for good. I wouldn't call it alcoholism, I'm not addicted to drinking. But lately it seems that when I do drink, I tend to overdo it by a mile. Since it's not really all that fun and doesn't lead to anything good, ceasing all further drinking is an obvious choice, and one that I'm happy to make at this point.  Additionally, I'm in no state for it and haven't been for some time. See, this last year was full of loss and heartache. There were triumphs, moments of real joy and happiness as well, for example, I got married to my very best friend and most favourite human being in March, and I wake up everyday so completely grateful for that. But there was also loss, and loss is so much harder to deal with, naturally. I lost my mother in January. It sounds sudden when I put it like that, but it wasn't sudden. My whole family watched her endure this horrible end for the better part of two years. The pain she went through was indescribable and we all carry a piece of it with us, all day everyday. It's grief that I'm describing, of course, and everyone grieves differently, but I think what I've learned is that I'm not grieving at all. I just run in constant circles, trying to pay bills, trying to hold everything together, and every time it looks like I might start to feel sad, like I might start to actually feel my own feelings, I shut it off. I find a new task, a new craft, a new hobby, a new argument, or I just pour a glass and jump right in, telling myself that I just don't have time to be this sad right now, that maybe I'll get sad tomorrow, but I just can't today. There's no time. Which is of course the wrong way to deal with grief. You can't put it off forever. And now I've made such a mess of things that I have to deal with a massive shame spiral on top of all my already present stress and grief. I know there's no one to blame but me. I know I've done this to myself, but I just don't know how to stop. Or maybe I don't know how to start? In any case, I went to sleep last night knowing I ruined a good day for good people, and I woke up this morning filled with regret and self loathing.

How do I begin to say I'm sorry? How do I apologize and have those close to me understand how genuinely I feel this remorse? What can I do, or can anything actually even be done? I feel there is a strong possibility that at least one of these people won't ever forgive me for the scene I made, that I've lost every bit of respect she ever had for me and that I don't deserve to be forgiven. I don't know what to do. But I know everything has got to change right now. This is no way to live. If I stay on my current path, I know I can expect only ruin, and so today is the day that everything gets different. The only problem is, I can't say that to anyone. I can't just say "I'm sorry and I promise it will never happen again" because no one wants lip service. I have to just make my apologies and then live in such a way that proves that I'm making changes. Here's to hoping that I'm given another second chance that I know I don't deserve.